Mark Hunter EP.1 Pilot
Tell us what you know honey, said one of the men holding the girl captive. The girl was about twenty years old, blond, and wearing blue jeans and a gray hoodie. They had her captive in a an old motel room which stunk of beer and was infested with roaches. Little did they know the girl had a pocket knife that they forgot to check for. She cut the rope on her arms and legs.
Hey theres something I need to tell you. She said to the man talking to her.
Whats that Honey He said bringing his ears closer to his face. Suddenly she lunged the knife into his chest and said
Don't mess with the daughter of a black ops soldier. I'm not afraid of you, and I'm not afraid of your friends. Suddenly the man just stood up without hesitation, and pulled out the knife.
You miss the heart you ain't gonna do nothing. Tell me are you scared now? Suddenly he and the two other men started laughing. The noise silenced as the someone knocked on the door.
Who is it? One of the men said. There was no answer. One of the men took at a pistol and went of to the door. Standing in front of the door the man touched the knob. Then suddenly BANG! A bullet went straight through the mans heart. Grabbing his chest the man suddenly turned to dust!
His clothes and everything had just turned into a pile of filth on the floor. Then one went over to the door as the other went near the girl. The door suddenly burst open knocking one of them to the ground.
A pistol wielding man probably in his early twenties came in. The girl skid back and hit the one near her with her chair giving the perfect angle for the man to unload three rounds into his chest immediately turning him to dust. The one on the ground reached for his gun, but the girl stepped on his wrist.
Faith Gane? asked the man with the pistol.
Yeah thats me. said the girl Suddenly getting up with the rope untied, making the man on the floor gasp. She looked at the man and said. I told you not to mess with me.
Impressive, I'm with your father Kyle, come with me. Faith was very confused so she didn't go with Mark. Instead she picked up the gun that was the man on floor's. She suddenly aimed up at Mark.
I'm not going anywhere until you tell me whats going on! Why did these men capture, and why don't they leave body's when they die!
They're vampires. Mark said. Faith didn't know what to say. She didn't believe him, but was there any other explanation she had read the book Dracula, Dracula turned to dust when he died. She knew that more of the men would come if she didn't go with him, but she couldn't help but trust him.
Ok Faith I'm gonna need you to run to my car. Mark said while taking something out of his pocket.
Is that the Hummer HX? said Faith.
Yes it go now!
Why is there something wrong....? Right then Faith caught a glimpse of Mark pulling a grenade out of his jacket. She then ran to the Hummer. Mark set and dropped the grenade with the man in the motel room, and fled to the car. KABOOM! There was a huge explosion completely destroying two of the motel rooms.
Hurry get in the car now! Mark yelled at Faith. Get in the back seat it will be safer! Faith didn't argue with him. They bolted out of the motel parking lot as fast as they could.
As soon as they were on the road Mark started explaining to Faith what was going on. Your dad and I our part of an organization called H.O.M.E. It stands for Hunters Of Monstrous Evil. H.O.M.E is a government funded organization made to fight supernatural occurrences that threaten the United States. Crap! Mark cursed as some vampires started ramming them with their cars. Get down they want you! Mark said to Faith.
Wait so what are and my dad.
Were monster hunters.
Like Van Helsing?
He kind of created the profession.
Wow, that explains the vampires. Why do they want me so bad?
Your dad killed a very important vampire. His name was William Manthius, over 600 years old. Bang a bullet went through the back window of his car. Your gonna regret that. Mark said angrily. Mark kept ramming most of the cars of the road except one. This one car was also able to get really good shots at Mark and Faith. That sharp shooter back there is Williams brother Ryan.
Mark entered a bridge with Ryan and two other cars following him. The bridge was cut off by H.O.M.E agents. Faith the safe house is just down this bridge. Faith nodded. Mark then turned on lights on the back his car which were ultra violent so it burned the vampires. It stopped the other two, but not Ryan. Then Ryan got on the roof of his car and jumped on Marks! Mark then swerved, making Ryan fall to the side of the car. Ryan then bashed a window open to get at Faith, but was not happy to see her holding a Desert Eagle pistol she had found underneath the seat. Faith unloaded three rounds into his chest making him ash.
By the time they had gotten to the end of the bridge to the safe house, there were many other vampires following them. Once Mark had drove into the safe house garage, hundreds of ultra violent lights flicked on around the safe house. Every vampire fled away. When they were in the garage it was very quiet between them. Then Mark looked at Faith and said.
So do you like pizza?








Devious Comments
that sentence reads "funny"...please change it...
second, u've got to work on your spacing and how you have divided up your paragraphs (though we've all been guilty of this writing sin at least once)...
there are several minor "word usage" mistakes such as using "of" instead of "off"...
and lastly check it over for grammer...
*hope this helps*
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[link] reading about the "end of the world"? like doomsday stories that keep you on the edge of your seat with death, gunslingers, Turned (aka Zombies
I can tell the tone is meant to be a dark one and since I am not very good at explaining my criticism here, I will provide an example:
Your story says "Suddenly she lunged the knife into his chest and said
Don't mess with the daughter of a black ops soldier. I'm not afraid of you, and I'm not afraid of your friends."Suddenly the man just stood up without hesitation, and pulled out the knife."
The problem I have with this scene is 1) the man has just been stabbed and doesn't react (we sort of figure this out later, but...) 2) In no way does Faith react to this bizarre development. She's a 'soldier', if she stabs someone, she expects them to die.
A better way of writing this scene may be the following: "Her would-be assailant cried out pitifully as she plunged the knife in. Snarling she replied, "Don't mess with the daughter of a black ops soldier." Twisting the knife deeper she drew him closer and whispered in his ear, "I'm not afraid of you, and I'm not afraid of your friends."
Her captor began to laugh. Faith had only a moment to register her surprise before his accomplices leaped from the shadows."
(not perfect, I know!) This shows Faith's malice towards her assailant, it is also a good set-up for the man to toy with Faith by fooling her into thinking he was actually hurt, when in fact he isn't - smacks of evil.
Hope that helped, if the writing improves, this could be an interesting tale.
LJ.
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My Artwork: [link]
Looking foreword to the continuation
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Why is a raven like a writing desk?
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Why is a raven like a writing desk?
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